For the past couple of weeks since the death of George Floyd, we have all witnessed the revitalization of anti-racism in a way we have not seen since the days of MLK. While it remains to still be going strong it has managed to change me as I still feel an enormous disconnect within myself. I have been checked on by friends, I have had to educate many of my friends and have difficult conversations with the people I love, I have lost some friends and lost respect for people I once admired. It has been a pivotal moment in my life. I initially struggled to discuss my own thoughts all the way through and I still do because this is not a comfortable topic and I am not used to using a platform explaining the racism I have experienced first hand, I used to only keep it to myself. I still feel a sense of loss in all of the things that are going on. I had to take a mental health day off the other day from everything because I am so frustrated and overwhelmed. Can I really speak on this movement or will someone find a way to contradict my own thoughts and try to speak for me all over again? I feel more challenged in this movement as everyone has their eyes on me more. In the past 24 hours, I can recall two instances.
Story 1: I was trapped in a flash flood last night waiting for the water level to decrease until it was safe to go home with an older couple waiting close by. The wife complained and harassed AAA on speakerphone to come faster because she did not want to leave her flooded “Audi” out in the open for someone to steal even though the car was in knee-high water and nobody could take her car while the husband continuously informed me on his many theories on MOTHER NATURE as he gave me a pat on the back that the flash flood was the city of Tampa’s fault (“I have never seen this in my life they should be ashamed of themselves”), this is Joe Biden's fault, and Donald is “the man”. If you predicted correctly: the pat on the back came after he told me that Donald was the man while breaking the distance I was away from him to give me that pat. Why the pat? I was the only colored person there. I listened to this nonsense on repeat for three hours. When I am stressed with stupidity I laugh as much as possible that is what I did: I did not speak up.
Story 2: I sat in a meeting today and someone who has also been indirectly racist to me on different occasions complained to our admin team that they are upset that they could not celebrate their birthday with our company's birthday breakfast and win prizes “but these people can go out and protest”. At that moment I wanted to say: who are “these people” but I kept my mouth shut and waited for the two managers in the room to say something and it was a long awkward pause with her adding on “oh did I say that out loud?”. I could only shake my head directly at her. Now I sit here mad as hell that I didn’t tell her that her ignorance is showing and disappointed in my management for allowing her to say that as her years of service give her the right to say and act however she would like to.
The trend continues, it is the same story: people choose to be set in their own ways they learned and taught others, dangerous ways that infringe on others.
This is exactly what the problem is.
I can brush off so much, act so strong, and still be upset in private because I occasionally feel that there is no use in talking about it. I do not want to be a broken record so I resort to silence and I am ashamed of that. Am I wrong for being upset? My anxiety is at an all-time high maybe it is me. I continue to do my part by educating and having powerful conversations with others but when I am present for moments like that I am not sure what to do. If I would have said something to that elderly gentleman would his indirect racism end up more direct to me and uncomfortable to the people around me that may verbally or even physically attack me and side with him? I have to think out every result so silence with a hint of anger is more comfortable for all. If I speak up will I automatically be labeled outspoken and aggressive like some colored people I work with? If I allow it to happen I believe I am part of the problem. If I speak on it with upper management will it be swept under the door and forgotten only for the next person to say something and repeat the same cycle over and over again?
Twenty-four hours. Two stories. A lifetime of stories and frustrating uncomfortable encounters.
